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 Short Slender Man Video (in-the-making)

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Tigerhallam
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PostSubject: Short Slender Man Video (in-the-making)   Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:23 pm

I'm making a short Slender Man video with my brother, who's ten (Slendy takes children, right?) .

Below are the current transcripts of what will be used as a voice over. If you have anything to add or can improve it, please comment.

(By the way, some things may not make sense. I have added explanation in italics)

*****

1
I am a normal child. I eat, drink, play games, go to school… there is nothing too special about me.
Recently, my life has taken a dark turn. Now I am living in constant fear, always checking to make sure there’s nothing behind me.
This is how it began.
2
I’ve always been interested in myths and legends, so I went researching. Looking for creatures that might exist, or might not. It was for the thrill of it.
It wasn’t long until I found one.
Of course, I never actually believed it existed.
3
This creature is commonly associated with forests. In particular, a forest with leaves as dark as the bleakest winter’s night, where it is said to live.
That’s what the Internet said, so that’s where I went.
Here a forest is shown. Close up is shown on the Operator Symbol carved into a tree, although child does not notice it.
4
I found it hard to sleep at night. What if this thing really did exist? Was that… no. It was just shadows on the wall. My imagination.
A Slender Man shape is shown as a shadow on the wall.
5
And then it was there.
I knew this had to stop. Wasn’t that what they always said, the more you think of it the more it will hunt you down?
But that’s just it: once you think about it, you can’t stop.
6
After a while had passed, I began to believe that whatever it was had given up on me.
Then I saw something, one day, when leaving my house.
A black leaf as shown before is lying on the doorstep.
Now I know that I am not safe, and I never will be.
Goodbye.

*****

All suggestions are welcome!
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Hooligan Spirit
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PostSubject: Re: Short Slender Man Video (in-the-making)   Mon Jan 21, 2013 4:34 pm

I'm assuming your ten year old brother is going to do the voice over? I can't judge until it's finished, but the biggest problem I see is the dialogue.

It doesn't sound like a kid wrote it. Kids don't really talk like that. Or, at least, no kid I've ever known talked like that. There could be exceptions, but generally they will use simpler words & phrases. Example:

"I am a normal child." = "I'm just a kid/boy/girl."
"Now I am living in constant fear," = "I'm always afraid,"
"This creature is commonly associated with forests." = "They said it lived in forests."

And so on. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what stood out to me.
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DarkShadows
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PostSubject: Re: Short Slender Man Video (in-the-making)   Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:41 pm

Agreed with the dialogue. It sounds too formal and stilted, especially for a kid.

I dunno if you really wanna reference the Path of Black Leaves here; at least that's what I'm assuming you meant by the black leaf on the doorstep. That's apparently kinda controversial now from what I understand? I know little about it though.
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Tigerhallam
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PostSubject: Re: Short Slender Man Video (in-the-making)   Mon Jan 21, 2013 7:35 pm

The path itself isn't referenced as such, but a forest of black leaves is (in the video) strongly implied to have links with the Slender Man.

Update to this:

We have two voice overs recorded and edited (granted, they aren't the best, but this is our first attempt).
We have a static sound effect ready.
The other voice overs will be recorded and edited very soon, and then we will be able to begin filming.


Last edited by Zander on Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:32 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Don't double-post.)
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Zander
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PostSubject: Re: Short Slender Man Video (in-the-making)   Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:31 pm

MOD EDIT: Please refrain from double posting.

As for the thread, the dialogue could be improved slightly, but otherwise it'll depend on the execution of the video to make or break this, so give it a shot!
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DarkShadows
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PostSubject: Re: Short Slender Man Video (in-the-making)   Wed Jan 23, 2013 5:25 pm

Yeah, I say give it your best shot. Smile If it's bad, use it to improve next time, if it's good, use it to reflect on what went well and why.
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PostSubject: Re: Short Slender Man Video (in-the-making)   Today at 8:14 am

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