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 A Heartless Winter

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Tigerhallam
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Tigerhallam

Posts : 15
Current Win Points : 1
Join date : 2013-01-19
Age : 21
Location : London Borough of Hillingdon, England.

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PostSubject: A Heartless Winter   A Heartless Winter EmptySun Jan 20, 2013 5:37 am

Because I can't post links yet, I'll have to do it this way until I can, when I will edit this with the link properly.

Anyway.

AHeartlessWinter.blogspot.co.uk

A Heartless Winter tells the tale of a family on a farm during the school summer holidays. While at first all seems fine, after a while some very ominous events occur.

This is my first Slenderblog (and I think my third Fearblog) so please do tell me how to improve and what you liked. I'm always looking to get better at writing!

What I'm looking for in criticism is being constructive, not just ego boosts or put-downs.

[url=AHeartlessWinter.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/animals.html]Post #2 - Animals[/url]


Last edited by Zander on Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:02 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : don't double-post)
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BravoBismuth
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Posts : 168
Current Win Points : 13
Join date : 2011-08-31

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PostSubject: Re: A Heartless Winter   A Heartless Winter EmptyTue Jan 22, 2013 6:36 pm

I took a quick peek at this. Seems you're setting the scene for now, so I don't really have a lot of judgement to deliver just yet.

But one thing did throw me just a little. The author mentions specifically that she's writing this diary in an actual book, yet here we are reading it on the internet with no explanation as to why or how. In fact, it's mentioned that the internet access on the farm isn't reliable.

Another thing is the title. As in "why is that the title?" It's called A Heartless Winter, yet it's about a summer vacation. I'm sure it will be explained as the story goes on, but I find it odd that the author would name it something completely unrelated to what's happening.
The only (in-universe) reasons I could come up with would be that the title is either ironic or pessimistic, but neither of those seem to fit with what I've seen of the character.

Just a couple of nit-picks I guess, but it's all I've got for now.
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Tigerhallam
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Tigerhallam

Posts : 15
Current Win Points : 1
Join date : 2013-01-19
Age : 21
Location : London Borough of Hillingdon, England.

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PostSubject: Re: A Heartless Winter   A Heartless Winter EmptyTue Jan 22, 2013 6:46 pm

The title: you will certainly see.
When you read a book, are you reading something the characters have written about themselves and distributed? No? It's the same here. It is in her diary, and a blog is the best way for me to represent this online as blogs are very similar to diaries.
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Mashuga31
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Mashuga31

Posts : 49
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Join date : 2013-01-22
Age : 25
Location : The River Styx

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PostSubject: Re: A Heartless Winter   A Heartless Winter EmptyTue Jan 22, 2013 6:55 pm

I think what Bravo is trying to say is that in order to seem like an ARG or Slenderblog it would be written "in-character" from a roleplaying perspective of someone who is posting online about their experiences with the operator.

Yours, while not a bad thing mind you, is more like a traditional novel and despite having that firsthand account perspective, it loses immersion as anything that "Could be seen as real" when you read it like a book. If that makes any sense.

To put it into perspective its a little like watching Cloverfield and thinking to yourself "If this is a top secret government video recovered from the ruins of New York City.... why is it on DVD and Blu-ray?"

But like I said, its not a bad thing. More just a technicality. Smile
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BravoBismuth
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Posts : 168
Current Win Points : 13
Join date : 2011-08-31

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PostSubject: Re: A Heartless Winter   A Heartless Winter EmptyTue Jan 22, 2013 7:39 pm

^ Basically that.

The norm with these kinds of things tends to be that the character is the one who is writing and uploading all the content, so that was my expectation going in. Nothing wrong with doing it differently, of course. But as Mash said, it tends to be not as immersive.
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