Slender Blog Critiques

Broeckchen wrote:

But... but... :,< *cries*

Awww, why you crying? ;v;

Sam4books wrote:

@Delmonty:

First of all, thank you so much!

Sorry about the archive binge :< I agree. I do write a lot, and I suppose looking at the other blogs it does look like it could be a problem. Hopefully this month I can cut down on the posts a bit, just to pace myself better.

But next month, the posts will be cut for sure, since Steph won't be visiting coffee shops as much.

Again, thank you so much for the critique <3

Now to decide who's blog I should critique >:3

No problem, bro! Glad it helped! <3

Yeah, I didn't actually intend to put Redlight in so early. I'm not really sure why I ended up doing so actually. The creator would be Robert correct? Because I do plan on having Redlight actually doing something much later on (possibly).

Hmm, I wanted to do one of Delmont's blogs but I'm lazy and haven't gotten to finish them yet (and Marble Hornets DVD drew me away last night.) I guess I'll put a little bit down for what I have read:

So far I've finished the eleventh hour and the first couple posts of Get your game face on. The eleventh hour doesn't really have... I guess, what some other people have said, it doesn't really have its own plot, it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense just reading it by itself. I never really noticed anything weird about how Cynthia writes, I just assumed it was because she's eleven and a proxy; taking those things into account I just thought that was how she was supposed to be. I may have to reread it now actually, I read through it last week and I realize I don't seem to remember too much about it actually.

For Get Your Game Face On, so far all I really have to say isthat I quite like Tony's character right from the start. I haven't gotten too far so I can't really comment much on the story... and wow, I really haven't got much to say.

I'll try to post some kind of actual critique once I finish reading them. At the rate I'm slacking off that could take weeks. It will totally be sometime this week, I swear!

ChaosGamma wrote:

Eh, might as well post mine

http://timebleedsarchangel.blogspot.com/

I know it may seem to be just a bunch a random shit happening right now. Which is mostly because I'm terrible at getting my stories started. Rest assured I have actually planned out where all this is going.

This one has potential I think. I'll be honest and just admit right now that this is really the only Slenderblog I've ever read (though I'm not entirely without knowledge of the mythos - thank you Omega for your services). However, this story does not draw me in very well. I find the concept interesting, writing as a proxy (who, apparently has more to him than we see at first glance), but I have very little idea of what is going on. True, the story started very recently, but each post seems fairly cryptic as to the intent and motivations of the main character (characters?).

To state it more plainly, what is the conflict in this story? At the moment, it is a largely faceless character doing... something. Just as with Kay, I would like to see more development of Iscariot's character - who is he? why should we care about him? but just as importantly I would like to see plot development - what on Earth is happening? why do I care that it is happening?

I fully recognize that both of these elements take time to develop, but the few posts that the blog does have have done little to make me believe that these kinds of questions will be answered in the future. Despite several posts that could have included characterizing elements, the writing has shied away from revealing much of anything about Iscariot, which leaves me little inclination to care about him or what he does.

However, I refer back to my opening statement, I think this has the potential to be interesting. Beyond the points I just belabored above, I would also recommend possibly not making your character too powerful. While there has only been one scene where he could have failed, it seemed quite easy for him to overcome that challenge. And that's fine, as long as he doesn't win at everything every single time. People don't read stories to see someone succeed at everything - otherwise, there is no suspense, no conflict. So, just be careful about the power of your character. My suggestions are either monitor closely the abilities you give him, or give him opponents that he cannot readily defeat (for a good example that I can think of, refer to the conflict between Javert and Arkady at Smiting the Gods; yes I know this is a part of the story I am involved in but it was the first and only example that came to mind).

All in all, I like the idea of where this story could go.

"Shameless Plug Now That I've Paid The Fee":

Delmonty wrote:

Father of Light, Vox, and Smiting the Gods- I would crit the first two, but I haven’t read them yet. I do, on the other hand, keep up with Smiting the Gods. I honestly love the blog. The biggest issue I had was the post length. It’s not a problem all of the time, but there will be posts made that are insanely long and sprinkled with big words, amazing literary references, and a ton of stuff happening. To me, it made me confused and unable to read the whole post because there was just too much to take in. Try packing less into one post is what I’d say.

I'll warn you now then: there are long posts sprinkled throughout Vox and FoL as well. I hope it doesn't turn you off too much if you decide to read them!

Mmhmm...and that is why I shouldn't blog O_O Anyway, forget that existed. Anyway I will critique someone's after I get some sleep.

Warning: I wrote these last night and get steadily more tired as I go on, so it should be interesting to say the least. Enjoy!

The Hunter / Still Remains Within / The Shower Scene

Good things: The plot is interesting, though a little obtuse. It makes me want to read more, pretty hooking. Not too many posts, and the posts aren't too long. There's definitely a sense of character behind it, and I'm interested.

Nitpicking: First off, beware interconnections within the blog-o-sphere! People are easily confused and distracted by shiny things, or at least I am. Whereas I like your sense of character, I'm not sure the characters quite fit the blog and the situations they thrust into. The writing style could use more details; whilst the short posts are good to keep an audience hooked, and stop people from being scared away, more in depth details will pull a reader into the world you're trying to create. Contrast western comics with manga; Western comics are about plot and action, whereas manga tends to use little details to draw yourself so into the world you could get lost.

Also, I found the plot intriguing, but a little confusing; engaging, but somehow distanced. It's difficult to figure out a situation from clues and context alone. This made it interesting, but pulled me out of the "reading" zone and into the "puzzling" zone. I suppose this is good for a work of ergodic literature but not so much if you're looking for people to engage with the characters. I am interested indeed though, and will follow the blogs if only to find out what happens next.

Live in the Light

Allow me to start by saying I kinda follow your blog pretty religiously. Once more, I love your sense of character-- and to me having a good sense of character is more important than any other traits combined. I know people like Slice, being in my first year of college, and even in High School I could probably pick a Slice out on the street. I find it interesting that this is less of a Slender blog and more focused on Plasterface-- or at least it was. I found both the Gwen and Plasterface plots interesting, involving, and a break from the mythos.

There's the rub, aye, for I love Live in the Light, but it times it... well, it doesn't quite feel like a Slender blog. That's almost why I like it so much-- it's involved in the mythos, knows it exists, but is almost a separate entity, like a guy wrestling a bear nodding to a group wrestling an elephant. But the guy wrestling a bear is also actually wrestling an elephant. We need to be reminded of that as well, which I think your current plot is bringing us back to. Speaking of, another positive; the transition from Slice to "Dice"-- well, Ben. You can tell it's a different person, and once more I commend your use of character.

My final nitpick would be similar to what has already been said; at times the blog feels disjointed, and off course, but once more I feel like you're rectifying this. Well done. :3

A Wand and a Prayer

Another good character here, and I kinda want to give her a hug. Introducing witchcraft is a great way to open a blog, because it makes the reader want to learn more, and it introduces so many themes for a writer to explore; doubt, faith, science, religion, defense, control, power... Magic fascinates us humans, we adore that thought that we can be suddenly powerful. Play with that some more would be my first bit of advice.

You have a good-sized archive; not too many posts a month, nor too few. Some of the posts can be rather long, but your writing style is engaging enough that it isn't a problem. The blog has a destination, but the path is a little rambly (not sure if that makes sense anymore, ah well.) What I mean is that you have many, many paths still open to you as a writer to explore. Once again, beware the crossover, that delicious little sugar cube. Don't eat too many, is all I'm saying.

Technically, I'd ask (as a personal nitpick) to change the background; the candle makes it difficult to read the white font, and white fonts are kinda tough to read anyway. I'm already following your blog, and I enjoy it greatly. So yeah.

The Eleventh Hour / Get Your Game Face On / Time To Talk

First off, you have an amazing sense of voice to be able to get all three characters down so well. Sometimes Cynthia wavers a little, but generally it's pretty solid. The Eleventh Hour is genuinely unnerving; Time To Talk seems like it's run by an older lady; Get Your Game Face On is so bloody blokish it's not even funny. My big nitpick would be that it's pretty difficult to keep up with the actions that are talked about. The plot and character development are interesting but I'm not sure what is going where. Maybe link to relevant posts at the beginning of each entry? It might also be interesting to hear what happened from multiple sources; we hear about the same event in all three blogs kind of thing.

I'd like to see what happens next in the blogs, but it still feels like the plot is waiting to kick in. I want to hear more about what Cathy and Tony's plans are; how are they going to fix Cynthia? What are they going to do once they do make her better? Are they planning to run forever? What do they think is going to happen next? There is plot there, but I want more. But I do love these blogs and admire how they are done.

Make it Count

First off: AJIDSFJHURIGBFNKlkjaeghi;aljkJD:FJH

Now that my fangasm has finished, let me discuss your actual blog. I really do love it; I think most people tend to agree it's one of the best written blogs out there. The character, build up, plot, writing, and pacing are all great, and you know what you're doing when it comes to character interactions.

My nitpicking is mostly small stuff here. Your style is great, it just sometimes feels a little unnatural, too formal for a blog. The FBI use is interesting, but makes me worried about the use of it. I love the way you wrote Slendy, but we haven't seen him around for a while and I'd like to see more of his blank face. Even a note saying that the character hasn't seen him can be useful to ramp up tension.

And that's all I can do for now because my laptop is running out of batteries. Take it, leave it, don't have to believe it, I'm going to go get some sleep.

PS:

Spoiler:

Delmonty wrote:

The biggest issue I had was the post length. It’s not a problem all of the time, but there will be posts made that are insanely long and sprinkled with big words, amazing literary references, and a ton of stuff happening. To me, it made me confused and unable to read the whole post because there was just too much to take in. Try packing less into one post is what I’d say.

What are you talking about? Everyone knows that readers love a six page post which makes reference to 8 different pieces of classical literature/Shakespearean plays/Greek Myths (plus one cartoon; two if you count the comments), using them to highlight the ideological conflict between fettered and unfettered/compliance and rebellion/morality and nihilism, which is overlaid on top of the physical conflict which is occurring. Smiting the Gods is just delivering exactly what the audience wants.

@ Omega:
but thats why I read it...

Delmonty.... Alty... What's about the Blog I don't have? :<

SliceandDice wrote:

@ Omega:
but thats why I read it...

Good man. You get a point of win for supporting high literature within the Mythos.

Delmonty wrote:

My Blogs:
A note to those just starting the three: Time to Talk is the original blog created. Get Your Game Face on was a stand alone for a little while in the beginning, and The Eleventh Hour was created after Time to Talk. It would be best to read Cathy and Tony's blogs before Cynthia's, as hers can be very confusing.
Cynthia- The Eleventh Hour
Tony- Get Your Game Face On
Cathy- Time to Talk

I've been meaning to read your blogs after discovering the Eleventh Hour, and this gives me a good a reason as any to stop being lazy and read them.

So, Time To Talk. What else can I say but fantastic (note; I'm never a harsh critic, even when I try to be ). The characters are fresh to the Mythos as it currently stands (with most being either late teens, early twenty somethings, or Proxies.) The lead in was very well done, and the inclusion of recipes was a nice touch. Some of the action felt a little, rushed (though that's probably not the best way to put it. More like dictated, rather then delved into), though that might have been because I read the blog in one sitting. I honestly can think of any big beef I have with it

'The Eleventh Hour' I can't properly judge, because I haven't read 'Get Your Game Face On', and it seems to deal with that as much as 'Time To Talk'. But having skimmed over most of the entries, I like the character you've built up with Cynthia. The idea of a child proxie is brilliant, and you've pulled it off well. The only thing that brings it down is the interconnectedness. It relies to much on the events in the other two blogs to dictate what happens in the posts. Maybe making some posts independent of the other blogs would be something to think about.
I hope that helps, even a little


I'll probably read 'Get Your Game Face On' and properly finish 'The Eleventh Hour'. After that though...perhaps it's time to man up and finish 'Seeking Truth'...


Now I suppose I should chuck my blog into the ring...you can find it here.

Thank you both for the critiques. And I've been meaning to play with the background again anyway, so no problem on that.

@ Kay: No probs.

@ INVISIBLOG: I'll get to it, hun, I just need to finish reading it first. T'was an incomplete list. :3

Because I forgot to say it earlier... Thanks Delmonty, good luck on the read. I know it's pretty lengthy so far. XD

@altiumvidetur:

Thanks! :3

Broeckchen wrote:

Delmonty.... Alty... What's about the Blog I don't have? :<

FINALLY got a minute to read through this. And now, voila, my critique!

First, the good!

I really love Fiona as a character. Writing females is so hard (seriously, sometimes I wish I had just made Celie a boy ), but you pull it off nicely. Fiona actually reminds me of my original idea for Celie a little, which is probably why I like her so much, but also because she has such depth. And also how she's just not the sort of person you'd expect to see having Slendertroubles: she's popular, she's got a loving father, and everything has just gone really well for her until then. Sometimes I can't stand reading through filler posts, but with Fiona as a narrator I kind of look forward to them.

I like that she's ever-so-slightly narcissistic; when Brute dies, she assumes it was because of her almost immediately. However, I like it because it's a subtle flaw, and it adds to her character; every character, especially a female, needs flaws.

Next, the stuff to work on!

Since this one is just getting into the real Slender territory, a lot of the things I think you should work on are small and a bit nitpicky. The grammar could use a bit of tidying up, but don't feel too pressured about that, since it actually makes a bit of sense; a typical seventeen-year-old girl probably wouldn't have perfect grammar and spelling on her personal blog.

Also, while I like the character of Fiona so far, I also don't have any reason to stick around her blog. Unlike some, I really don't think that a protagonist should be a pure-and-simple Average Joe/Jane. If there's nothing special about a person, then there's no reason to write a story about them, is there? But like I said, the blog is just getting to the good stuff, so you could very well have something up your sleeve. XD

And finally, a suggestion for the future: I would suggest having at least two other characters with whom Fiona can interact with on a regular basis. This one isn't so much for the sake of the story as it is for you -- speaking from experience, if you try to write Fiona as a solo character doing things on her own all the time and reacting alone, you will burn out, fast, because there's only so much someone can do without the help of someone else. Personally, I think that Story is a good start as far as someone who knows what's going on. Maybe Berry could be another?

Oh, and don't forget this: Don't fear the crossover. A lot of people immediately get defensive when they think of bloggers IG talking to each other because their first thought is "OMG CORE THEORY NUUUU," but honestly, interacting with the commenters/other bloggers/Zeke Strahm was one of the best decisions I made for Celeste. And some of the Core Theory stigma has left, so that's good news for you.

Eugh, my brain isn't working tonight, so sorry for the lameness of this critique. I'm off work for the next two days, though, so I plan on going through at least some of the others in this thread and getting some critiques up. ^.^

SickSlickMan wrote:

That's what I have right now. I'd like to hear critique, and honestly, I'd rather get some negatives thrown my way than positives (that's right, LisaEvermore, I'm calling you out ), because I get enough positives, I wanna hear more about what I could have done better, so that maybe I can improve in the storylines to come.

Did I just get called out by Zeke Motha Fuckin' Strahm? My day just went from awesome to awesomer.

You got a +1 What more do you want? Just kidding. You have a special place in my heart, for reals. I did a rather looooong review on my personal educational/informative blog. I also review'd that other blog which I liked much less. I nitpick, I know but really, ST is solidly in my top 5 and I know I couldn't have done any better myself, so my hat is still off to you good sir, even if I bitch about some of the things.

*purr* Thank you Celie~<3

Spoiler:

Suppose I'll put mine out there. I really would like some critiques... or any response at all... but mostly I want advice about the characterization and the pacing, because those are things I've always had trouble with.

Anything would be appreciated!
Over My Shoulder

EDIT: Didn't realize the link wasn't working, should now.

Hey you!
Yeah you there!
Do you like reading crap blogs? Well apparently I like writing them!
Now tell me what you think of this... before I annihilate it from the internets.
Enjoooyyy~ http://brightconundrum.blogspot.com/

Any body need a critique? I'm not that great at them but hey I can try.

Laughing Mask wrote:

Hey you!
Yeah you there!
Do you like reading crap blogs? Well apparently I like writing them!
Now tell me what you think of this... before I annihilate it from the internets.
Enjoooyyy~ http://brightconundrum.blogspot.com/

Oh what the hay. I'll take a crack at it.

Okay, I'll just say this right away and get it out of my system. I got turned off automatically by the super powers. Especially with how the character was like "YAAAAAAY I GOT SUPERPOWERS". Not to mention how it seemed like it had gamebreaker qualities near the beginning. Thankfully it seems like you've toned it down a bit, but I'm just warning you right away not to get too caught up in that path since it seems like not everyone enjoys reading about conduits. And to be honest, I'm not entirely digging the care free persona you've got going on either

Now, I'll give you this. I like the fact you gave your character a nice wake up call with the whole Slender Man business. The binary kind of made me groan a bit, but you still managed to make me go "OH SHIT" a couple of times. The story you seem to have going is engaging enough to not completely turn people off from your blog (although the beginning was sort of "meh"). I really like the direction your taking with Hylo's father and his weird experimentations/research (Random speculation: I bet it's some sort of cure >:3). The Babylon/Assyrian direction is pretty unique too. (Seriously, I was tired of hearing about Egypt, it's not the oldest civilization in the world guys D:<)

OH!

And one more thing!

I hope I see more of these weird other monsters that keeps following Hylo around. That kitty cat thingy was pretty awesome. Which leads me to another thing I like about this blog. You don't restrict yourself to just Slender Man, and thus I can see that you have tons of flexibility that you can incorporate into your blog, which I hope that you would take advantage of. It's a nice and refreshing to see a lass that's not running from Slender Man for once, and just happens to run into him from time to time (no doubt due to the fault of that father, hmmmm? >;3). While it would be nice if the character took things seriously from time to time I'd have to say I give this blog a 7/10. It's not super mega awesome great, but it's not super awful bad either. There are so many ways this blog can go, while there are some things that make me squirm inside, I actually care about Hylo enough to want to know what her father was experimenting with, and how it involves Slender Man

Well there's my two cents. Good luck with your endeavors ^_^

Holy jesus thanks. Yeah a lot of the flaws I've been working on. Since this started for shits and giggles. Specifically Ive been trying to make Hylo's abilities and attitude sort of a double edged sword. And yes other monsters will show up.

thatthingyouhate wrote:

Suppose I'll put mine out there. I really would like some critiques... or any response at all... but mostly I want advice about the characterization and the pacing, because those are things I've always had trouble with.

Anything would be appreciated!
Over My Shoulder

EDIT: Didn't realize the link wasn't working, should now.

Alright. You there. I shall try this by taking notes as I read

1. YES SUMMER CAMP ANGLE. This is great. I went to summer camp a lot as a kid and this would be down right awful. Good job on this.
2. Really like how you're writing this so far.
3. I also would like to say, neat idea with the perception filter aka not being able to even do research on Slender Man
4. Renewed Paranoia = HOLY SHIT. That was awesome. That whole thing was so creepy. Seriously. Stop being so amazing.
5. You also handle the whole "Become distant from friends" thing very well as well as remembering things from childhood.
6. Dayam. You write interaction pretty well. I'd say I'd probably react the same way as Jill.

All and all? This is really great. Honestly, I love it. Great job on writing and everything. I can't wait to see more! The characters are all well done and I think you handle the interactions and reactions well. The Pacing seems fine to me personally.
As for negatives? Not much I can say so far other than MORE PLZ.

Laughing Mask wrote:

Holy jesus thanks. Yeah a lot of the flaws I've been working on. Since this started for shits and giggles. Specifically Ive been trying to make Hylo's abilities and attitude sort of a double edged sword. And yes other monsters will show up.

SQUEE.

Can't wait :3

DELMONTY! *DUN DUN DUUUUUNN*

I finally finished all of your blogs and happen to have enough time right now to give my critique. ^^

Time to Talk

Since it kind of is the core blog, it happens to be the one best understandable, and the easiest one to read. I like how her being a mother is a trait of Cathy that surfaces constantly and is emphasised right from the beginning. I can identify well with her and get to love her very early on, so she makes the story very intriguing. That cute little Mother Bear. :3

The plot is well done too. After taking your time to characterise Cathy and Cynthia enough, which is good~<3, you delve into the horror that is Slender Man by going back to the roots and let him kidnap a child. That shouldn't be that special, but it is. You make a brilliant move there - you have a good excuse for a character who can express themself well to write the blog, but you still use the least-used original trait of the Slender Man as a thread for your story. Well done!

Get your Game Face on

To be honest, I like Tony even better than Cathy. Maybe I just hallucinate, but below his grumpy and rude surface, I constantly get the feeling he is actually very desperate and sad. He misses the normal life he never could have had, and I can't shake the feeling that he still loves Cathy. When she said he was acting strange when she asked him if he had been with someone else in the meantime, I couldn't help but think: "That's not because he was. It's because he can't remember and doesn't want to lie to you. :<"
It is interesting how both characters are united by their fighter-attitude there. And it makes me want to see them go through all of it.

About the plot, here very well done as well. Especially since you first lead the reader onto a wrong trail with the strong proxy-interaction while there's little to none of that in Cathys blog.

Ngh, running out of time. x.x

The negatives of both blogs though: You've got two writing shticks which are very distinct. Once using dashes like so: word- word word- word. And also saying "X and I". While those aren't necessarily wrong, they definitely aren't used by everyone, which makes them very noticeable. Therefore, you should let either Tony or Cathy not do them. They both use this little feature of your writing style, and that makes it kind of obvious that the blogs are by the same author.

Apart from that most of my former critique stays: Don't crossover too much, but that's something you didn't want to do anymore anyway, please make the blogs link to each other or any thing so people can catch up with the story, and especially link to blogposts about events a character is talking about. You can't just assume that everybody reads all of the three blogs at once. If there's something important in the comments, better sum it up in the next blogpost or so, because as a reader I'm really to lazy to read through 20+ comments with every post of which 19 aren't even important. x.x But... that's it. Only minor details to polish it up.

If anyone here is still looking for a blog to review I just want to point out that these four still need to be properly reviewed:

Vivere Disce
Father of Light
Vox93
A Fate Worse Than Death

Sorry guys, no reviews in this post, what I did want to know is what you guys think of this...

WRITING QUIRKS:
Tony- Curses a lot, abbreviates words, uses italics, says "somethin'" "wishin'" etc., calls slender man "it"
Cathy- Uses - and / a lot, interrupts herself and continues on into a new sentence a line down, says um, er, uh, stammers, calls slender man "he" "him" "monster" etc.
Cynthia- doesn't capitalize anything except Mommy and Daddy (Slender Man), uses hehehehehe a lot, tends to rant and repeat certain words and take out spaces, will talk like a baby and then suddenly switch to sounding older

I made a list of how I have tried to write the characters and was wondering if they sound different enough if they follow these guidelines every post? I know as of late the posts haven't been as good as they could be, and half of this is on my own laziness while the other half is stress from school, and I want to improve them since things are starting to pick up. c:

ALSO! Any suggestions on how to make the reader know to read "Time to Talk" first and "Get Your Game Face On" and "The Eleventh Hour" second? I'm unsure of how to do this in a manner that doesn't mean posting OOG on their profiles or something...